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sinope at 05:36pm on 24/07/2011
sinope at 05:36pm on 24/07/2011This is for all the nice guys out there. I love you all, and I know you mean the best, and I know you want the women around you to feel happy and safe. Well, this is one part of how to achieve that. Unfortunately, it's a part that I see being violated all the time -- and trust me, guys, most of the times when it happens, you'll never hear about it.
Situations that mean you can touch a woman:
Situations that do NOT mean you can touch a woman:
What's clear and informed permission?
Questions and Answers
Q: I'm a heterosexual dude, but I'm a nice guy! You're talking about sleazebags, right?
A: Nope, I'm talking about you too. Being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you get to touch women without their permission. In fact, if you're a nice guy, I'm more likely to want to spend lots of time with you, which puts me in a difficult position when you do things like this. I avoid spending time with sleazebags to begin with.
Q: I've kissed/hugged/backrubbed lots of girls without getting their permission first. They've never complained, and I would have stopped if they did. Isn't this a bit extreme?
A: Yes, there are certainly situations (maybe the majority of them, even!) where you can predict a woman's reaction without asking permission. But there are three other possibilities to consider. First is the worst-case scenario: many women, particularly abuse survivors, can be triggered into a very bad mental space by unwanted touches. Risking causing that to someone you like is just cruel. Second, because women are socialized to avoid "rocking the boat," it's very common for us to go along with something even though we're uncomfortable or unhappy -- because we don't want to cause a scene, because we don't want to upset the guy, because we're used to putting up with discomfort. Third, even if we completely love what you're doing, when you do it without asking permission, we start to wonder what else you might do to us without asking our permission. Anyway, if asking a girl "may I kiss you?" would make her say "no," then she clearly didn't want to kiss you that much in the first place.
Q: Oh, crap. I'm a guy, and I do those things sometimes. Do all my friends think I'm a rapist?
A: Congratulations! I'm honestly thrilled that you're willing to examine and critique your own behavior. That's the most important step. I don't know what your friends think of you, but a good first step is to find a female friend, tell her that you're concerned that you've been unintentionally offending people, and ask her what you can do differently. (Yes, I would be happy to be that friend, if I see you in regular social situations.)
Q: Aren't you being sexist? There are creepy women who hit on guys, and there are guys who get pushed into uncomfortable situations.
A: Of course there are. Partly, picking fixed genders made the pronouns in this discussion easier. But the presence of male privilege in our society makes this a particularly gender-specific issue. It makes men less aware of their impositions on women, and it makes women less comfortable with speaking up and saying "I don't want you to do that."
Q: I have Asperger's/I'm on the autism spectrum. You seem to expect me to know nonverbal cues that are difficult for me to read. Aren't these rules unfair to people like me?
A: More difficult? Sometimes. Unfair? No. Your friends have (hopefully) learned that nonverbal emotional signs are challenging for you, and they'll understand if you don't pick up on them. The thing to remember is that asking for clear verbal permission is never a bad idea. From "May I hug you?" to "May I kiss your breasts?", an explicit request for permission is always a good way to make sure everyone is comfortable with what's happening.
Q: You say I should ask verbal permission, but didn't that get a guy in big trouble recently?
A: Good question. Really, we're dealing with two separate issues. The first issue is whether it's appropriate even to broach the subject of touching a woman. Just like you shouldn't ask a random waitress if you could kiss her, you shouldn't ask an acquaintance (alone, in an enclosed space, when she's indicated the desire to go to sleep) for sex. Unfortunately, that issue is beyond the bounds of this discussion, since it relies on a number of variables like tone, environment, past encounters with the woman, her nonverbal and verbal cues, etc. I'm not saying that asking to touch a woman is always okay! The key point I'm trying to make is that even if all indicators are positive, you still always need to ask.
Situations that mean you can touch a woman:
- When you have her clear and informed permission.
Situations that do NOT mean you can touch a woman:
- When you've done that activity with her in the past.
("But you wanted me to give you a hug last week!") - When it's an "innocent" touch.
("I was only giving you a shoulder rub!") - When she lets other people touch her in that way.
("But Joe rubbed your feet five minutes ago!") - When she sees you touching other women in that way.
("I was already tickling Mary and Suzy, so you knew I was heading over to you.") - When she has the ability to tell you to stop.
("If you didn't like it when I started, you could have said so!") - When she let you touch her in a different way.
("We were making out already; touching your breasts was the obvious next step!") - When you're sure that she would enjoy it.
("Doesn't every girl like it when a guy goes down on them?") - When she'd expressed general interest in it in the past.
("You said that a threesome might be fun sometime!") - When the element of surprise would make things more fun.
("Telling you that I was about to kiss you would ruin the romance of it!")
What's clear and informed permission?
- It's an unmistakable yes. (A shrug or absence of "no" doesn't count.)
- It's given with complete knowledge of what she's agreeing to.
- It's given by someone who is fully capable of making decisions (e.g. not drunk, high, asleep, or hypnotized).
- Edited to add: I'm NOT saying that all sex while intoxicated or hypnotized is non-consensual! As long as you've pre-negotiated the boundaries of what she would be willing to do while her judgment is impaired, you're golden. What I'm saying is that something previously off the table can't be consented to while she's not thinking clearly.
- It can be nonverbal. When she extends her hand for a handshake, or opens her arms for a hug, or leans in for a kiss, that's nonverbal permission.
- It can be given in advance (e.g. "I would love for you to wake me up with oral sex one morning!"). This only counts if she specifically intends to be giving you blanket future permission.
- It can be ongoing. ("I always like getting hugs from you!")
- It can go away at any point she chooses. If she says "stop," that means you no longer have permission. If she looks unhappy or uncomfortable, check in with her and ask her how she's doing.
Questions and Answers
Q: I'm a heterosexual dude, but I'm a nice guy! You're talking about sleazebags, right?
A: Nope, I'm talking about you too. Being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you get to touch women without their permission. In fact, if you're a nice guy, I'm more likely to want to spend lots of time with you, which puts me in a difficult position when you do things like this. I avoid spending time with sleazebags to begin with.
Q: I've kissed/hugged/backrubbed lots of girls without getting their permission first. They've never complained, and I would have stopped if they did. Isn't this a bit extreme?
A: Yes, there are certainly situations (maybe the majority of them, even!) where you can predict a woman's reaction without asking permission. But there are three other possibilities to consider. First is the worst-case scenario: many women, particularly abuse survivors, can be triggered into a very bad mental space by unwanted touches. Risking causing that to someone you like is just cruel. Second, because women are socialized to avoid "rocking the boat," it's very common for us to go along with something even though we're uncomfortable or unhappy -- because we don't want to cause a scene, because we don't want to upset the guy, because we're used to putting up with discomfort. Third, even if we completely love what you're doing, when you do it without asking permission, we start to wonder what else you might do to us without asking our permission. Anyway, if asking a girl "may I kiss you?" would make her say "no," then she clearly didn't want to kiss you that much in the first place.
Q: Oh, crap. I'm a guy, and I do those things sometimes. Do all my friends think I'm a rapist?
A: Congratulations! I'm honestly thrilled that you're willing to examine and critique your own behavior. That's the most important step. I don't know what your friends think of you, but a good first step is to find a female friend, tell her that you're concerned that you've been unintentionally offending people, and ask her what you can do differently. (Yes, I would be happy to be that friend, if I see you in regular social situations.)
Q: Aren't you being sexist? There are creepy women who hit on guys, and there are guys who get pushed into uncomfortable situations.
A: Of course there are. Partly, picking fixed genders made the pronouns in this discussion easier. But the presence of male privilege in our society makes this a particularly gender-specific issue. It makes men less aware of their impositions on women, and it makes women less comfortable with speaking up and saying "I don't want you to do that."
Q: I have Asperger's/I'm on the autism spectrum. You seem to expect me to know nonverbal cues that are difficult for me to read. Aren't these rules unfair to people like me?
A: More difficult? Sometimes. Unfair? No. Your friends have (hopefully) learned that nonverbal emotional signs are challenging for you, and they'll understand if you don't pick up on them. The thing to remember is that asking for clear verbal permission is never a bad idea. From "May I hug you?" to "May I kiss your breasts?", an explicit request for permission is always a good way to make sure everyone is comfortable with what's happening.
Q: You say I should ask verbal permission, but didn't that get a guy in big trouble recently?
A: Good question. Really, we're dealing with two separate issues. The first issue is whether it's appropriate even to broach the subject of touching a woman. Just like you shouldn't ask a random waitress if you could kiss her, you shouldn't ask an acquaintance (alone, in an enclosed space, when she's indicated the desire to go to sleep) for sex. Unfortunately, that issue is beyond the bounds of this discussion, since it relies on a number of variables like tone, environment, past encounters with the woman, her nonverbal and verbal cues, etc. I'm not saying that asking to touch a woman is always okay! The key point I'm trying to make is that even if all indicators are positive, you still always need to ask.
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